I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
