Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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