So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
