My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
