i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize