How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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