I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
