Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
