Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
