Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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