I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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