I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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