i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
