Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
