so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
