I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
