I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
