you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize