so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
