the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
