So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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