Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
