how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize