I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
