So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
