I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
