you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Is Oprah even human
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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