She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
