im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
