Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
This is the prime rib incident all over again
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
