My room smells like vodka and shame
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
