don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
