i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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