Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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