Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Let's get the cat blown out
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
