at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
