Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
