i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
