we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
