so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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