so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
