Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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