I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize