Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize