why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize