I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
