ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
