got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
