So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
