in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
