i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
