Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
