By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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