if i can run in heels then i can drive
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have fence marks all over my body
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Never joke about your clitoris.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
