I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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