Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my shit smells like andre
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
