So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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