I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
