So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
